I don’t normally do this type of thing, blogging and whatnot, but the other day something happened to me that touched me deeply, and I felt it would be important to share it with other people who may be struggling with the same things I have.
To start, I’ve had Alopecia my whole life; I lost all of the hair on my head by the time I was 4 years old, and my eyebrows and eyelashes eventually followed somewhere along the way. I don’t ever remember what it was like to have hair. As a little girl, I was stared at on the street, pointed at and whispered about like a sideshow freak by kids and parents alike. Other kids made fun of me; I was the “bald girl.” I started wearing wigs in elementary school and found a happiness that I hadn’t known before; I was able to blend in. From that point on, my life with Alopecia became routine. I’m 19 years old now, and have just completed my freshman year of college. Since the day I began wearing wigs I have not gone out in public without one again, nor do I really plan on doing so. Many of my friends know that I wear a wig, and many do not. It isn’t a secret that I have this condition, it just isn’t relevant to daily conversation that it may ever be brought up; so it remains unknown to most people I meet. Waking up and putting on my wig has become just as much a part of my day as brushing my teeth before I leave the house, I don’t even think about doing it.
I met my boyfriend at the beginning of the school year. I was drawn to him immediately; just as one always is to the person they’re going to fall in love with. Lately he’d been asking to see me without my wig on, and I’ve been so scared by just the thought of showing him. The mere fact that he cared enough to see me as I really am terrified and excited me like nothing has before. He explained to me that until I was comfortable being in my own skin around him, we could never truly reach what it is we’re grasping at. I knew he was right; it was something I’ve thought about my whole life. It’s just so fucking scary to make yourself vulnerable to the one person whose opinion matters to you more than anyone else’s.
On Sunday we sat in my room and talked about this stuff for hours. Or, he talked and I cried….a lot, and tried to make coherent sentences. Eventually I worked up the courage and made him look away as I took off my wig for him, for someone other than family for the first time since I was a small child. I folded myself into his arms and cried some more, and he held me quietly and kissed my head over and over, just the way my dad used to. We sat like this for a while, entangled in each other, silent. After some period of time, he pushed my chin up with his hand and looked into my eyes and told me that I was beautiful. He wiped away my tears and told me again.
Self-esteem is something I’ve always struggled with and will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. I’m not whining; it is what it is. Although I do not see myself as beautiful, I looked back into his eyes in that moment and knew he was telling me the truth as he saw it. And every time he’s said it since, I feel it more strongly than I ever thought I could.
Some ending thoughts…
I have a tattoo on my side that says “To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield”. The words are self explanatory, but I often forget that this applies not only to my pursuits in worldly successes, but also in personal acceptance; in order to live a life unhindered, one need not be fearless, but be fearful and press on in spite of this. There are people you’ll come across in life that will drag you out of your comfort zone at your own pace, and for your own good. We spend so much of our time hiding, fearing, over analyzing…all it takes is one small change to get you going. I guess what I’m trying to say is next time you want to do something you know is right for you, but you’re too scared, take that plunge.
Everything from here on out is a step in the right direction.
